i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
