If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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