After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
