I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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