I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize