The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
