I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Do you have feelings for this penis?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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