omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
my poor anus
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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