He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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