i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
