Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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