Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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