dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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