I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
