My first STD was from a foam party
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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