True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
two words: eviction party
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
