My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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