Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
