I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
