Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
