I'm eating all of the evidence.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
