somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize