she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
