Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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