I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
