Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
