And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
