No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I love you.
Bad choice
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