Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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