She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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