Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
