I'd wear matching sweaters with you
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
