If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
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