im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She even gives head with a lisp.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
