I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
