well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
