If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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