Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
