I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm experimenting with sincerity
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
