I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
