So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
