Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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