he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize