Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
