I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
