mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
