That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
