I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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