Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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