So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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