I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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