god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
