U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
