I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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