My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
