Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
