I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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