We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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