you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
