We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
