I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
