My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
